It started when I read “Mastering Witchcraft” by Paul Huson. He suggests a ritual to set oneself on the path of witchcraft, saying the Christian "Our Father" prayer (A.K.A. "The Lord's Prayer" from Matthew 6:9–13) backwards consecutively for three nights before bed, whilst visualizing chains binding you to your Christian background being broken. Originally reading this I thought “I'll skip that”. See, I worked that shit so long ago and really don't have any kind of hangups about my Catholic upbringing... or so I thought. I recently came back around to it after saying these prayers nightly. I came to the conclusion I had skipped over a BIG thing in spiritual process by generally ignoring it for years. It's a very private thing and most people would never dream of discussing masturbation in a public blog. This is something which must be said: I DO NOT MASTERBATE... I always thought it a waste of time in general. At first when I looked at this, I wondered if my Catholic upbringing and being told our sex organs are only for the purpose of reproduction had something to do with it. But I never bought that original sin fallacy, along with a lot of the contradictions I knew early on. I cannot even recall my mother ever telling me NOT to. I figured out a long time ago all I needed was a thought... to start with my own imagination and the world was mine.
I was 12 and called this “mind masturbation”... sexy thoughts or scenarios enter my brain and then feelings would manifest in my body. If I thought of a boy caressing my new budding breasts, I noticed my nipples became erect. My body throbbed as my heart grew bigger and bigger, filling every part of my skin until little goosebumps came up. I would only touch sheets or hold tight to the pillows as wave after wave washed over my long body. After wards I thought my bladder had lost control but later knew this was the result of having a true orgasm. I was afraid to tell anyone about this as a kid. It wasn't until my first sexual encounter years later that I realized what I was doing. Even then, I thought it was 'normal' for a virgin to have several orgasms the first time... my friends were amazed. When I began to study tantricism as a young adult I discovered there are all sorts of orgasms and I could do them ALL. This seems like a blessing, and it is; but for a magician it can be difficult. As I delve into the worlds of Luciferian, sex and Chaos magick I am seeing more and more how important this 'self love' really is. Austin Osman Spare points out in his "Book of Pleasure” that bliss goes beyond the physicality, and is the microcosm of something bigger:
“Self-love in complete perspective, serves its own invincible purpose of ecstasy. Supreme bliss simulating opposition is its balance. It suffers no hurt, neither does it labour. Is it not self-attracting and independent? Assuredly we cannot call it balance. Could we but imitate its law, all creation without command would unite and serve our purpose in pleasure and harmony" (The Book of Pleasure).
Physical love of self is something more than just having healthy self esteem... it is being comfortable and secure enough in one's own skin to LOVE it. Having a relationship with one's own body is like any other, we have to know what buttons to push, try listening to it, and occasionally making love to it. Every human can do it, regardless of age. Sure it may not be the same journey for all, but an orgasm isn't just in the body is it? For example the release of it is very similar to the feeling we get when sneezing or releasing our bladders. From a spiritual perspective there is a lot going on at moments of ecstasy. Whether it is received via sexual activities and/or through meditative work, bliss is something most of us seek. And interestingly, both are sought outside one SELF. Spare suggests we seek WITHIN and I am ready to do just that.
“A person desires things of this world- but where is the difference of desiring the 'Supreme Bliss'? Which is the more selfish? Which is nearer you? Which pleases the Creator more? Are you certain of the Creator's will and are you sure of your own desire? Are you the Creator or just yourself, as you fondly imagine your contents?” (A.O. Spare).
DOES the means justify the ends? Am I skipping the self sacrifice and going straight to the heart of bliss, not crawling before I walk?
***A LETTER FOR ODIN***
Are you there Odin? It's me, Fawn. You are not new in my life but another part of it I am having to acknowledge. You feel very similar to Lucifer, Prometheus, and other Light Bringers... illuminating what is at the heart without subtlety. At Yggdrasil, you hung on the Tree for 9 days to receive the wisdom of runes... the pain of learning through self sacrifice. All-Father, you plucked out an eye to receive visions from the well of Mimir. Wonder what you would do for a Klondike bar?
Odin, you ask me to listen but everything else is so loud. I step into the tree, down the winding stairs and out onto the roots. The fog surrounds an otherwise grey landscape which reminds me of the British Moors... or the Burrens in western Ireland... an empty place which nothing grows in it's liminal space except potential. Father, your ravens follow, lead and chatter wherever I wander... even into the Otherworlds they are guardians. I have looked into the Wyrd well... followed the crystal I threw in to see what the end results woull be. My frustration is experienced in the lack of knowledge along the path... the spiritual masturbating of strokes and prayerful cries are offered without answer.
I will don the mask, light the Black Flame of my heart, and await your messages in waking seidr. Odin, Woden, Cernunnos, Lucifer... come to me as you Will. I harken the wordless bliss and reap the images passing through the dark forests, no longer afraid of what is illuminated. I am naked, vulnerably bare and burnt. I have sloughed off the dead, blackened skin and am ready for the growth of promise.