“All is in thy hands, all power, all hope, all future. One came as a man, and was weak and failed. One came as a woman, and was foolish, and failed. But thou art beyond man and woman, my star is in thee, and thou shalt avail” (Liber 49, 43-46, The Book of Babalon by Jack Parsons).
LBRP, Liber AL, Tantric meditation, sex magick...all awakening parts of my Self never thought to have existed. Remembering and re-enacting these rituals...words out-loud dripping from my tongue, dancing in my head and reaching out beyond the screen, all sends a rush of familiarity to this heart. I don't believe in angels yet invoke them daily; my tantric practices include Western Gods; the Beloved Dead surround and assist my magicks. Hekate is my Holy Guardian Angel, leading and guiding the way forward as I come to the edge. She asks if I wish to fly above the abyss, towards the cup of Babalon where I can dip my burnt wings in the salve of Her wine.
Poetry aside, this Babalon is another egregore like Baphomet; I wrote about Her in a review for the book The Red Goddess. The last line stayed with me... “For those brave enough to face the fear and shame, the promise of liberation is just around the corner”. I thought about this for a long time and believe I found the solution. Whilst this is all over my head essentially, one thing is very clear: Crowley pushed himself to the brink, how could the 'wickedest man in the world', the Beast 666, shame himself? He lavished in the stories which circulated about, whether true or not, of orgiastic sex magick, sacrifices and beastiality. It was going to take something REALLY degrading for a man like Crowley to be humbled and 'broken'. I think that is what Crowley found in the desert with poet Victor Neuberg. They attempted rituals of magick to work through the entire Enochian system...AGAIN with the angels! It was only when Crowley assumed the submissive 'bottom' position during homosexual sex magick, did the clarity come. He was a 'top' man, in charge even with his Scarlet Women...allowing himself to be 'taken' by another man was just the thing to shame Crowley, strip him bare so he could progress through.
We must annihilate the Ego; what a strange goal of attainment for magicians. We become God-like in power through psychic and scientific means, then let it all go for the ultimate prize of liberation. How do we get there though? If I follow along with Crowley's process, I have to ask what 'shames' me? I regret nothing in this life, and see no reason to become a 'holy whore' searching a beast to ride. How can I approach this current without hurting others, like family and friends? I am not sexually repressed in the very least. In fact, I'm rather proud that in my ten-year relationship we still have several sexual encounters a week; I share not to brag, but help illustrate a point. Throughout my entire adult life, even late adolescence, I never masturbated. It was forbidden territory to touch, let alone talk. Catholic girls are taught early on that God is watching, it is a sin and sex is only for procreation. Well, when I left the church I had no issues with any of those points and went along my merry way. But when I came into my be-ing with the Gods, I felt they WERE watching; or I didn't really know how to turn my SELF on. With a partner it's easy...alone requires focus, relaxation and solitude; all things difficult for me to attain consciously.
With patience, meditation and porn I set to crossing that Abyss of self love. On pleading bloodied knees, burned in the fires of shameful lust, hands calloused, I approach the cup She holds between flaming thighs. Babalon gifted me Self Love. I learned to love my body in it's new post-apocalyptic form, because it really isn't ME, only the vehicle/vessel to get around in. Sensuality spills out into daydreams of poetry and fantasy. Even the Moon and Sun chase each other in an endless display of flirtation. Not only do I see the Love which pervades all the Universe, but I am learning to accept it unconditionally. Love of Dark, Love of Heart, Love of Blood and Dirt. I become enraptured in Her current, strip off the shackles and skin leaving bare bones exposed. I am a raw lump, shaping and molding... no longer looking toward the future for happiness and potentialities but in present joy. I hope to live more heart-centered rather than head-strong.