*Warning: this is a highly personal and graphic blog post. Read with an open mind and heart.
I was in college, a failing relationship and ready to make a change in my life only I didn’t know it yet. Having been working with the Divine Feminine and eventually the Masculine energies, there was for the first time a peacefulness about my spirit. I was in a comfortable, empowering place with daily practice, regular yoga and eating well. It seemed I was at the peak of my journey when a curve ball in both the spiritual and physical effect was pitched.
Commuting 45 minutes to school, working on campus, and getting out of classes late at night (around 10 pm), I often spent the night friends’ houses so I could save the gas and sleep. It was during this time, I was sleeping on a witches’ couch, that I felt a presence looming nearby. It didn’t seem malevolent or intending to irritate me, just hovering and watching. I asked in the morning if they had ghosts in their building, with the expected “of course” response. I assumed it as such and simply ignored it. It wasn’t until the following week when I slept on another friends’ couch that I felt this same energy; and somehow knew it was the same being I had encountered at the other place. I began to think…had it followed me?
Pondering these thoughts in the middle of the night, suddenly I felt it trying to get into my gut. A fluttering, a stirring, a breezy touch on my ethereal body, immediately causing me to send out an instinctual shield. Of course, the Be-ing backed off and I was irritated I could not see, hear, or smell it (yes, I smell ghosts). I did not want to communicate with it as I felt it had tried to violate me… I was sleeping and had psychic defenses down so to speak. If a spirit was trying to enter my body without permission, well I wasn’t having any kind of games of the sort.
The following weekend I kept my ‘spidey senses’ open. Although there was not another encounter, I noticed other differences going on. I would know when the phone was about to ring, or a certain song was coming on the radio. My dreams became cognitive in small ways, with small happenings being played out first in visions and then waking world. I was a little freaked out with these gifts, although secretly excited too. But I also wanted to know why they were occurring, and if they were connected to the nocturnal visits. It was when I skipped my period a ton of bricks fell on my heart. I was pregnant and due on Samhain, October 31st.
This was not planned…my 5 year long relationship was becoming a little shaky and not very active in the bedroom, so I was really surprised by this. I was also afraid to talk to my partner about it…his daughter was almost a teenager and another daughter had died at 10 days in a previous marriage; this was going to be a tough one. I did not want to have a child yet…I had planned to wait until 30, when I had seen some of the world, had a supportive income with benefits and stability. As it was I drove a 1978 Caballero that often broke down, had no health insurance to speak of, worked 2 part time jobs, and needed to finish my Bachelor’s Degree. Where was a new baby going to fit into this? So we discussed it… actually, I should say I told him and he copped out of a decision with “It’s your body. I can’t tell you what to do with it.”
Being a double major in both Religious Studies and Humanities, I had a good working mind when it came to the philosophical and ethical thought process regarding this situation. I weighed the spiritual questions more heavily than the rational arguments: Is it truly ‘murder’? What would be my karmic debt for ‘killing’ a life? What do other religions or people similar to my spiritual path have to say about it? I talked with a few enlightened friends I am grateful to know, and still it wasn’t a pure ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in the end.
I made the decision to at least discuss it with a professional and understand how the process worked, before making any final choice. Eventually I decided to terminate the pregnancy. I didn’t feel a connection to the tissue that was growing in my womb…it was only 5 weeks (super early) and a small collective of cells. With that said, there was a spirit hovering around, accompanying me every day wherever I was. It kept trying to enter, but I wouldn’t let it; I know this sounds like the ravings of a mad-woman, but if you are reading this blog you probably are somewhat experienced in the realms of the unseen, or at least have a fascination with it. Since I was early enough, I chose to take the RU-184 pill; the ‘abortion pill’ which differs from the easy to obtain ‘morning after’ pill.
I still felt uneasy. I wanted to reconcile with this so badly in a spiritual sense. I felt this hovering presence, always nearby. It never merged with me, but I knew it belonged to me. After heavy meditation, I was guided to allow myself to enjoy being pregnant for one afternoon…see how it grew on me, literally and spiritually. Would I feel this ‘motherly’ instinct, some sudden and over-powering emotion that would drive me to protect this small life-force? What is part of my destiny to have this child? I put all of these questions to thought, heart, and communicated with this spirit. I asked for it’s name, if it was a boy or girl, talked to my Son with the green eyes and black hair. I said aloud his secret name and explained: “This is not a good time to meet again. You may linger if you wish, but I cannot give to you what is deserved. Come back to me at a better time, when I call you willfully and with love”. And quietly he did…with a ghostly kiss this presence disappeared and I felt a little sad. I was not regretful, the entire situation with my body and relationship was rather bittersweet. But I allowed myself to cry, cleanse with herbs, and prepare for what I was about to do.
Before getting the pills, I had to receive a sonogram to make sure I did not have any issues, that it was a normal pregnancy. When the clinician left the room, I peeked in at my file to see the pictures; I wanted to look to ease my peace of mind in a way. If there was any emotional or psychic connection made, I was going to back out. My original intuition had been true; I saw a blot of tissue and nothing more.
With my best friend and two sisters, I sent away my boyfriend and his daughter…rented some movies, bought snacks, and took the pills. At first I was only nauseated from the stress; and having Irritable Bowel Syndrome already didn’t help my gut either. Before the onslaught of cramping, I took one of the prescribed vicodins; which knowing what I do NOW about anti-inflammatories and IBS would have made me request codeine instead! I was so sick, cramping from the inflammation of my intestines, my womb contracting is it tried to release the fibers of blood, tissue and fluids. The vomiting, the shitting, the cramping was not the worst I had ever had, but I knew worse was still to come.
I asked to be left alone, with a red candle burning next to the black for banishing. I watched the flickering image on the television screen through a haze of incense. It didn’t help that it was “The Lost Boys”: a bloody, gory vampire movie (but really, those are my favourite kinds of film). It was at this in-between place, a drug and pain induced trance, I began to breath slower, defaulting to my meditation experience to keep calm. Without realizing what I was doing, I walked into the bathroom, sat down, and passed something the size of a baseball, softly through my vagina. At the same time, I felt this relief wash over me: an immense letting go of all my previous guilts and hurts I had hung on to. I did not look down to see what was there…I never looked back.
I returned to my bed feverish, sweating, and dreamed of bloody Goddesses…thirsty and fanged, dancing in fire which ringed all around me under a black tree hung with placentas. My womb burned with embers which glowed blue, this healing energy spread and cooled like no fire of man. I wanted it to engulf my entire being, but it only stayed local to the hurt. I reached in and pulled, the tendrils of muscle and intestines slipping through my fingers as I dug at the fire. I found my own chakra there and spun it round and round until sparks flew, sending white firelight through my entire being, cleansing and cleaning the muckish, tar-colored sludge. I was liberated and purified, settling into a restful slumber.
I never felt regret, and still don’t. I now have a beautiful daughter who is almost 4, who has a loving father and a mother who was able to stay home with her. It is not the spirit who visited me during that time, when I was another person. She has always been my daughter, and probably always will be. But the spirit of the first pregnancy, my Moonchild as I call him (after the novel by Aleister Crowley), lingers somewhere nearby in the nether world, waiting to be called into being through some form or another. Our ways are still twisted up somehow. We will meet as other soul-mates, in another time and place, again.